A Penny For Your Thoughts

A young Scottish lad and his lassie were sitting on a low stone wall holding hands and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently; then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He blushed as well and then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.” “Well, uh I was thinkin’… perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.”

The girl blushed then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Again, like her, he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke once again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg.” The girl blushed then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Again, he too blushed and they continued to once again gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl once more spoke. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.” The lad knit his brow and adjusted his kilt. “Well, now,” he said, “My thoughts are a bit more serious this time.” “Really?” said the girl in a whisper filled with anticipation. “Aye,” said the boy.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to really blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
“Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

Five Yards

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age” and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.

He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!”

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. “Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it.”

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “Well, what’d ye think?”

“Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed.

“Aye, and if ye like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

“Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, “aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”


A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side.

He asks the proprietor, “How much to replace this, Ian?”

The proprietor says, “Why, Angus, that’ll be four pence.”

Then the Scotsman asks, “How much to repair?”

The proprietor looks the condom over carefully, and says, “Three pence to repair.”

The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, “I’ll be back.”

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, “Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!”

The Classic

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, “I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.”

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, “Well, the mystery is solved! Let’s thank him for sharing!”

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman’s endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, “I don’t know where y’been laddie… but it’s nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!”