What's Your Kilt Number

We’ve all seen those television commercials for a certain mattress company where the couples discuss their “sleep number.” Unfortunately, I’m not rich enough to have one on those mattresses (which reminds me, visit the Life In A Kilt Store and buy stuff) so I have no idea what those numbers mean. I don’t know if 72 is hard or soft. I don’t know if 151 is up or down. And aside from the fact that, at middle age, my ability to control hard and soft and up and down ain’t what it used to be, I don’t really care about sleep numbers. My interest is in the Kilt Number. What’s your Kilt Number?

The Kilt Number is simply a number invented by an incredibly smart, handsome, studly kilt-wearer, who can’t tell up from down. Yeah, okay, I invented it. The sole purpose of the Kilt Number is just to evaluate how often you wear kilts compared to how often you wear pants in your life. Let’s face it, not everyone can wear a kilt 24/7 but if you are able to do so, your Kilt Number would read like this:

K#=100/0

That little equation, for those slower than I, means Kilt Number [K#] Equals [=] 100 [100% of time in kilts] Compared To [/] 0 [0% of time in pants]. I should point out right here that I flunked algebra in high school so I consciously devised an equation that is both simple and nonsensical. But it still kind of works, you know?

The equation has no purpose other than just to make it somewhat easier for those of us who wish to communicate to others the amount of time we spend in a kilt. It’s not meant as a number of superiority nor fertility. It doesn’t mean, necessarily, that a K#=85/15 can toss the caber farther than, say, a K#=5/95. That’s what Highland Games are designed to settle. It’s really just a simple number designed  to inspire more Facebook arguments and insults personal growth and self confidence. It’s a number just for fun. Entertainment only. Please no betting or wagering.

In 2012, when I started “A Year In A Kilt,” my Kilt Number was K#=100/0. I wore a kilt every day. That was the purpose of the experiment. A month after I stopped “A Year In A Kilt,” my Kilt Number probably dropped to K#=25/75. After spending every second of a year in a kilt, I think I wanted to say “hello” to my neglected pants friends again. It wasn’t long before my Kilt Number started increasing again and I was back in high marks right about the time I decided to kick off “Life In A Kilt.”

As of today, my Kilt Number fluctuates depending upon weather, schedule, events and work. I often work from home and make very little effort to get out of sweat (or sleep) pants. Those days definitely bring my Kilt Number down. Sometimes it isn’t practical at work for me to wear my kilt. Again, my Kilt Number takes a hit on those days. And then, there are those sweltering Atlanta summer days when I need to make a quick run out to the grocery store and it’s much simpler to put on a pair of shorts than to buckle up my kilt, belt, sporran and boots. Those are the “shame hits” to my Kilt Number. I know it doesn’t really matter to anyone but me but those are the ways I know I can improve my Kilt Number score over time. Maybe it will make me feel more like a man, I don’t know.

The ancient Scots didn’t have a Kilt Number. They wore their kilts every damn day. And if they weren’t wearing it, it meant they were probably naked and doing things with your woman you don’t want to know. But this is the modern times and we thrive on competition. We need numbers and scores to tell us how we are doing and if we might, in fact, be #1 in our division, region or maybe even the world. We thrive by counting our steps, calculating our BMI and evaluating the individual stats of our Fantasy League players. Knowing our Kilt Number will give us a new daily goal and fill us with the necessary pride and superiority to live in this 21st Century. And we’ll never again have to worry about going soft.